Ask about the fifteen-year-old self to surface the present self.

technique — attributed to Deborah Szekely

Szekely's favorite conversational opener is to ask guests what they thought their life would be like when they were fourteen or fifteen. The question opens people. They talk about how they were beginning to think at that age, who they admired, what they expected. Many continue to hold onto those inspirations in one way or another. The question works because it sidesteps the present-day defensive frames most adults bring to a conversation with a stranger. It surfaces values through nostalgia. Hosts who carry one or two good questions like this into a room can do facilitation work without anyone realizing they have been facilitated.

For hosts, retreat leaders, and conveners running dinners and small-group conversations. The technique works because the question is personal without being invasive and produces sharing without performance.

nostalgia, self-reflection, conversation-opener, values